New Gospel St Pierre: Death & Rebirth
by AsukaSeagull
Summary: What happens to the world of NERV when a mysterious group of clueless westerners led by St. Pierre the only man Gendo fears arrives in Tokyo3 Not to mention an army of characters from just about every other story in existance?...This does.
1. A Grand Entrance

**TOKYO-3  
****One day before the first appearance of an angel since Second Impact**

Chris waded through a mass of beer cans to the unconscious body of his friend, Cruts. When one has to wade through beer cans, clearly too much alcohol has been consumed.

A goose walked idly through the house, followed by a group of chickens and a girl dressed up as a cat. Cruts gurgled, and a fire erupted in the bathroom, but was put out quickly.

Chris picked Cruts's body up and plucked him out of the beer can ocean, carrying him to higher ground on the couch. He set the heavy moron down on top of the couch, took a deep breath, and dove back in.

Swimming around, he noticed a few schoolgirls wade past. They waved to him, and he waved back. Shortly thereafter, they found the door and left. A can of Spray-Z-Cheese found its way into Chris's hand, so he enjoyed a little lunch. The can only screamed a little.

A television set flickered on in the spare bedroom. Chris came about the top of the can sea and saw his best friend, Colin, lying on the bed looking at a television imbedded in the ceiling. In the bathroom, a monkey fell out the window, then turned to sausage and floated away.

"What's up with Cruts?"

Chris looked at Colin. "It might surprise you, Rin-kun," he said, "but Cruts is out like a light."

Colin laughed a sharp, vicious laugh. He turned off the television and waded through the beer cans to the closet, pulling out a small inflatable raft. He and Chris got in and paddled to the dining room, where a rice cooker was set up.

Colin removed a small octopus from the machine and began to cook rice. Cruts gurgled in the other room, and another fire flared up briefly, but then quieted down.

Chris, using a poster as a life jacket, swam to the kitchen and began to prepare a chicken for dinner.

Suddenly, the building began to rumble, and a chandelier fell from the ceiling. The lights flickered on and off, and a tall, dark figure entered the apartment. The building shook even more violently before; Colin fell from his post and began to drown in the beer can sea, Chris had seizures and threw the chicken through the air. The lights shut out, and all was dark.

Colin found his way to the kitchen, and the lights came on. There, in the doorway, stood the most ominous figure man has laid eyes on.

"Well," said Colin, "hello, St. Pierre."

"What the hell are you guys doing?" asked St. Pierre.

"And a poultry shall sprout from the face of the devil," Chris said, removing the chicken from St. Pierre's face and placing it back on the counter where it belonged.

"This place," St. Pierre said, adjusting his glasses and waving a gnarled hand about the apartment, "is in ruins."

"Blame it on Cruts."

Chris laughed. "Yes, what Rin-kun said."

St. Pierre adjusted his glasses, and then sat down.

"How long before we eat?"

Chris brushed the chicken. "Do you wear _make-up?_" he said, washing the chicken carefully. "Or maybe the chicken is just old."

"Gentlemen," said St. Pierre, "you need to prepare yourself. Tomorrow, the great adventure begins."

"You said that yesterday." Cruts grunted.

"It did, in fact, begin today, at least for me. I got a good look at our enemy."

"Who is it?"

"A tall man with glasses."

Silence.

"St. Pierre," Colin said calmly, "I think you looked in the mirror."

St. Pierre sighed. "Just make dinner."

He adjusted his glasses, walked towards the living room and floated away. A duck flew over him, changing colors from bright yellow to violent pink as it quacked.

Chris set the chicken in the oven. Colin tried his skills with the backstroke and swam out to the dining room to check on the rice cooker. Cruts sneezed.

The next morning, Chris wandered out of his room and was surprised to find the beer cans had vanished. The living room, however, was a solid wall of trash bags, and therefore he could not access the telephone, which was buzzing obnoxiously.

"Can't we shut off that buzzing?"

St. Pierre smiled and adjusted his glasses.

"I prefer it to the ringing."

Chris rolled his eyes and went towards the kitchen.

"Not so fast, _Kurisu._"

Chris looked at him, one eye opened larger than the other.

"What the hell, Jimmy?"

Colin came down the stairs, followed by a dreary-eyed Cruts.

"The phone is buzzing and – Jesus!"

Cruts looked at the wall of trash bags and laughed. Colin looked at the wall, then St. Pierre, then the wall again, and then he cursed loudly.

"Effective today," St. Pierre said over the cursing, "you three will begin new jobs downtown."

"What are we doing, cleaning bathrooms?"

St. Pierre chuckled malevolently.

"Well, you could say there's a lot of crap involved."

* * *

The boy walked through the halls, escorted by the attractive woman who came for him. She was a little lost, but she refused to admit it. He wondered why he was where he was.

Suddenly, a doctor came out of a hallway near them.

"Well, Captain, you're so extremely late I'm surprised we aren't all dead."

The woman giggled nervously.

"Sorry, Ritsuko," she said, "I was just on my way."

"Of course you were, Captain Katsuragi. Come with me – ah." She held her hand out to the boy. "You must be Shinji, Commander Ikari's son."

"Well, um, yes," the boy said, "is my father waiting for me?"

"Of course. Follow me." She said curtly.

After a few minutes, the boy found himself standing on a platform, above which was a small window. In the window, he saw a familiar face he never thought he'd see again.

"Hello again, Shinji."

"He – hello, father."

Commander Ikari adjusted his glasses and looked down at his son. "We must move quickly, Miss Katsuragi."

"Of course,"

The doctor woman took Shinji by the arm and turned him around. There, looking straight at him, was the most terrible monster he'd ever seen. Shinji's mouth opened.

"…Shinji," said the Captain, "you aren't screaming. There's no sound coming out of your mouth…are you alright, Shinji?"

"Shinji," said the Commander, looming over them from his post, "my son, this is Mankind's newest weapon. This is the Evangelion."

Shinji stared at it.

"Misato," the doctor said to the Captain, "Help Shinji."

Captain Misato Katsuragi sighed.

"Shinji, you need to pilot this thing and, you know, save us all from destruction."

"I…I can't," Shinji said, "I…no. I can't."

"Shinji, of course you can."

_Just because he needs me,_ he thought, _that's why my father – the 'Commander' – brought me back._

"Well…no. I…don't even know what it is…"

"That's not important." The Commander said.

"No, father! I can't do it."

"Shinji!" Misato cried, but Shinji was bent over.

"I can't do it, I can't. I just can't."

Misato threw her arms up helplessly. The Commander called out, "Bring Rei to the front."

A voice, presumably in some kind of telephone, replied, "Can we use her?"

"She's not dead yet." The Commander replied.

_Ah,_ Shinji thought, _so he didn't even need me._

The doors opened, and a team of medical professionals wheeled in a hospital bed upon which rested the most pitiful looking girl Shinji ever saw.

"That's…Rei?" he said.

"Well," Misato said quietly, "what's left of her."

Shinji sighed and looked at the limp body.

"Rei," the Commander called, "our replacement is useless. You must pilot the Eva."

"This is stupid!" Shinji yelled. All was silent.

"Will you pilot it then?" Shinji's father asked him.

"Well…"he replied, "I…guess so."

* * *

St. Pierre looked out from under the metal awning he and the three boys were hiding under.

"I guess we're a little late," he said as a massive monster wandered idly by, looking for things to crush.

"St. Pierre, what the hell is that thing?" Colin screamed.

"That," St. Pierre said majestically, "is an angel."

"It looks like the spawn of Satan."

"Sorry," St. Pierre adjusted his glasses, "but I can't take credit for that one."

Silence.

"Oh, pain." Chris said, slumping down onto the sidewalk. He then fell backwards into a mysterious door that opened in the wall. St. Pierre gestured to it, and the rest of them walked in.

A few feet in, they came to a small row of machines, each one bearing a lit red light and a small card swiping mechanism. Past each machine there was a door, one of which bore a large fig leaf covering the letters N, E, R, and V. St. Pierre walked towards it.

"It looks like we need cards," Colin said.

"Of course not." St. Pierre replied. He looked at the light. It was red.

He stared at the light. It was still red.

He squinted and glared at the light, a mysterious wind blew, and the light changed to green. The door just beyond it opened, and St. Pierre walked through.

"Whoa," said Chris, following St. Pierre in with Colin and Cruts close behind, "that was the freakiest thing I've ever seen in my life."

Colin came up next to him.

"Then you haven't turned around."

Behind them, Cruts laughed.

They walked along an endless corridor, hurrying to catch up to St. Pierre.

"Where are we, St. Pierre?" Cruts asked lazily.

"We are in NERV, gentlemen."

"Which is what?" asked Colin.

"NERV is mankind's last defense against that creature you saw earlier."

"And why, might I ask, are we here?"

"We are here because of the angels. We are here to save the human race."

"I thought you hated humans," Chris said.

St. Pierre adjusted his glasses.

"I didn't mean we would save the entire human race."


	2. The Angel and Dave

**TOKYO-3**

**The day the angels returned Day 1**

Shinji looked at the angel and then he screamed for mercy.

* * *

"Are you sure we should be here, St. Pierre?" Colin asked.

"Of course," St. Pierre replied.

"Okay."

Silence.

"Are we allowed to be here?"

"Oh, I'm rather certain we'd be shot if they found us."

"I see."

The four continued on in silence. Metal walls lined the small, quiet corridors.

"Where the hell are we, St. Pierre?" asked Chris finally.

"Chris," St. Pierre adjusted his glasses, "this is the headquarters of NERV. I believe I've already told you this."

"Well, yeah, but…I'm still a little confused."

"Okay. Let me try this: Around fifteen years ago, a catastrophic incident in Antarctica – "

"Yeah, we know what Second Impact is, St. Pierre," Colin interrupted, "but what does it have to do with this place?"

St. Pierre adjusted his glasses.

"My young friends, you know of the reported meteor that struck the Antarctic?"

"Of course."

"Then you should know that, in fact, no meteor ever truly came close to our planet."

St. Pierre stopped, for they were now in front of a large set of double doors.

"Breathe deeply," he said, "and prepare yourself for a world beyond your wildest dreams."

* * *

"Shinji!" Misato yelled.

Shinji stopped screaming. The monster – the angel – watched him, watched the Evangelion, and watched as it sank to the street below.

"Oh, Ritsuko, this was so extremely stupid. I just can't watch! We're gonna kill that kid!"

Dr. Akagi watched helplessly. Behind them, on his high and mighty perch, Commander Ikari watched his son writhe in terror.

Suddenly, a door burst open on the control center below.

"Wha-?"

A tall, terrifying man stood in the inky shadows, three silhouetted figures behind him. Victorious, majestic music was playing in everyone's mind as they watched this new terror enter the command center.

"Well, vice commander," said Ikari, "this is not something I can explain."

The vice commander looked down at the figures.

"Ikari, I don't recall a door being there ever."

"Neither do I."

Below them, the shapes moved into the light.

"Commander Ikari! I have returned!"

Gendo looked down.

"Well, Jimmy, I knew you'd come back."

"Commander Ikari," St. Pierre said, "there appears to be far too much watching in this center. Shouldn't you be focused on the battle?"

"Oh my God!" Misato cried, "Shinji! Shinji!"

"Finally!" Shinji's voice echoed, "I've been waiting for someone to answer me.

His voice sounded perfectly calm.

"Are you alright?" Misato asked.

"I'm fine, Captain Katsuragi, but where is the angel?"

"I – huh?"

All eyes were on the monitors.

"The angel! It just kind of gurgled and vanished."

"Well…" Misato looked around. NERV was full of people, all of who were staring at her, and at the monitor, wondering what in bloody hell was happening. "I guess, Shinji, just stay there for a few more minutes and then, maybe, if it really is gone, we'll bring you down."

"Um…o-okay, Captain."

St. Pierre looked up at Gendo Ikari and adjusted his glasses.

"I desire a word, Commander, when you can."

"It can be arranged, James."

"Thank you, Gendo. Incidentally, let me introduce to you my new assistants."

Chris, Colin, and Cruts stood uneasily in front of St. Pierre.

"This is Chris. He will be assisting with my operations. Next to him is Colin, my technology assistant, and this one is Cruts. He is here in case of…_unforeseen_ events."

"Your return may assist us." Gendo said tightly, then he left the room.

St. Pierre looked at Misato.

"Sorry to interrupt your operation, Captain Katsuragi."

"It's alright…er…"

"St. Pierre will do."

"Then it's alright, St. Pierre-sama. Frankly, I'm glad to see that the angel has left. I'd be glad if it didn't return."

"That shall be arranged then. You may call of your mission."

And without another word, he left.

* * *

Misato smiled at Shinji as they rode home.

"You really don't have to do this," Shinji said.

"It's way too late now! Besides, we can have a party, Shinji! It'll be fun!"

_I don't know if I really want to live with her,_ Shinji thought, _but I suppose I'll have to now. Maybe it won't be so bad._

Ten minutes later, when Shinji opened the fridge to find only beer, he decided perhaps it would be so bad after all.

"Alright, Shinji, we'll divide the chores fairly – rock, paper, scissors, shoot! Ha! Paper beats…um…whatever the heck you were doing!"

"I wasn't ready!" Shinji protested, but Misato wasn't listening. After several hours of this, Misato, in a drunken stupor, collapsed on her bed. Shinji took his two boxes of stuff and wandered into his room, a spare room that had clearly never been used. He sat on his bed.

"Wow, this is really comfortable," he though aloud, "and kind of squishy."

"Thank you," the bed replied, "but I'd like you to get off now."

"Ah!"

Shinji jumped at and turned on the light. A huge, middle-aged fat man got off his bed and stood up.

"You must be Shinji Ikari," he yawned.

"Um…yes…I'm sorry, Misato didn't say anything about other guests and I thought this room was mine and – "

"That's okay, you are right, this is your room and I'm not another guest. I'll just be going now, and kindly don't tell Misato that old Dave spent the night."

Shinji stared as he left.

"What the devil?"

* * *

Shinji didn't know this, but, ten minutes later, Dave was in the back of a rather seedy looking bar talking to a rather tired looking Chris and Colin.

"Alright, Dave," Chris said, "what did you need?"

Dave's old eyes found Chris's tired ones.

"I've heard you're working at NERV."

"How come you know about NERV?" Colin asked, "we didn't even know."

"I'm a forty-six year old English teacher," Dave replied, "I know everything."

"I see."

A few feet away, a musician gathered people and started to play a song.

"Let me warn you," said Dave, "that NERV can be a scary place. Little is known about it or its predecessor, GEHRIN, not even by people like myself."

"We have St. Pierre with us, and we'll have you – "

"Oh, I can't stay."

Chris and Colin looked at him, startled.

"Why not?"

"I'm not exactly a friend here."

"What did you – " Chris began, but the musician, who began his song just then, interrupted him.

And it caused them all great pain.

"Dave!" he began, "The man they call Dave! Well the meteor came and we thought we would die, and everyone thought the bad moon would rise but then, look, it's Dave, we're so happy we'll cry, the hero of Tokyo-3, the man we call Dave…"

"Um, Dave…"

"Yes, Chris?"

"Any light you'd like to shed on this development?"

"…No, Chris."


	3. In the Middle of the Night

**TOKYO-3**

**Later that same night**

Dave loooked around as he stepped into the street.

"And that's sort of how it happened," he said, walking briskly to the other side. Chris and Cruts followed him, Colin took off down the road in the opposite direction.

"Where's he going?" asked Dave, waving a fat finger towards Colin's retreating back.

"Back to the apartment," Chris replied, "by way of NERV."

* * *

Misato stared out the window at the dark Tokyo-3 night. She could faintly see three shapes walking and talking in the street below.

"I wonder," she sighed, "what Shinji must think of me."

Meanwhile, in his own room, Shinji was laying on his bed staring up at his ceiling.

"I wonder," he sighed, "what Misato must think of me."

What a day it had been, he thought.

* * *

Colin approached the same key-coded doors that he had seen St. Pierre kind of...well..._look_ open a few hours before. He wondered what he had to do.

He looked at the card reader. The light was red. He squinted at it; the light remained red. He raised his eyebrow, he twitched, and he blinked several times, but the light was still red.

Suddenly, he felt a heavy hand on his shoulder. He spun around and saw St. Pierre behind him - the very definition of "looming."

"Well, Colin, I'm glad to see you're interested in our mission here."

"Um...yes, St. Pierre, I am a little...intregued."

St. Pierre smiled and adjusted his glasses.  
"That is good. I am glad. Turn around."

Colin turned around and looked at the door.

"What is it?" he asked, looking back behind him to see...nothing. St. Pierre was gone. He looked back at the door. Slowly, it began to open. His eyes flickered briefy back to the card reader.

It was green.

"...what the devil?" he said quietly as he made his way inside.

He couldn't see much - the lights, it would seem, dimmed at night...for no real good reason. He found himself lost after a few minutes, endlessly wandering the hallways, looking for some sign of life.

When he found it, it wasn't what he wanted to see.

* * *

**Omake Interlude!**

Dave loooked around as he stepped into the street.

"And that's sort of how it happened," he said, walking briskly to the other side. The other three followed him.

"Are you sure?" Chris asked, "I mean, that's a little farfetched."

"Of course I'm sure. Second Impact was caused by giant mustard-yellow outer space yeti!"

All was silent. Colin stopped moving. Slowly, he turned around and crept away.

"Where's he going?" asked Dave, waving a fat finger towards Colin's retreating back.

"Back to the apartment," Chris replied, "I think you've injured his GEHRIN."

"It's all for the better. He was getting on my NERVs."

"Bah!" Cruts said, "He's just gonna go home and play video games. SEELE Calibur or something dumb like that."

* * *

The woman turned around holding a cup of coffee in her hand.

"How did you get here?" she demanded.

Colin opened his mouth, let out some air, and closed it.

"What is it? Can't you talk? How did you get here?"

Colin opened his mouth again, but found that no noise could be generated. As he thought about it, this crazy woman probably wouldn't believe how he got in anyway, so why bother?

And, of course, he realized that calling the woman crazy was a little hypocritical - just less than half and hour ago, he was squinting at a machine trying to make it do his bidding.

The crazy woman sighed deeply.

"You came with Mr. St. Pierre, didn't you?" she said, more of a statement than a question.

"Euh...um...well, yes." Colin replied in his best Japanese stutter.

She sighed again.

"My name is Dr. Akagi. Ritsuko Akagi."

She held out her hand.

"Um, no thank you," Colin said.

"Oh! Sorry."

She held out her other hand - the one without the coffee. Colin shook it.

"I suppose since Commander Ikari approves of you staying here, I should, too."

She stopped for a moment and took a sip of her coffee.

"Please excuse me," she said, and she left the room, leaving Colin all alone.

Or so he thought.

"Making friends already?"

Colin looked over to the door. St. Pierre smiled, adjusted his glasses, and walked inside.

"I guess - "

"You guess?"

"She seemed a little...startled."

St. Pierre laughed sharply and handed Colin a small card.

"I just got these," he said, "for the doors. Perhaps now you can come and go without my assistance."

Colin looked down at the card. "MIROKYO KORIN" it read in large letters. In the corner, he saw the now-familiar emblem of NERV, 'mankind's last defense' as St. Pierre had said earlier.

"Thanks," he said, looking back up, "for...where'd he go?"


	4. Angel Waves

**CHAPTER FOUR**

**Tokyo-3**

**The next morning**

**God walked through the train station and onto the platform where the express was currently dumping its passengers into the dimly lit station.** He watched as person after person got off, and finally he spotted his target. He walked over to the train and gestured off towards a less crowded end of the station.

He led the way, and I followed.

I suppose it's about time I entered the story.

Yeah. It's in first person.

Bet that hurts your mind a bit.

I've seen some strange things in my life, but when I was called to Japan, I think I just about lost it.

"Mr. Kaji," said the man, "Welcome."

I nodded dimly at him and sat down in the chair he gestured to.

My name is Harry Dresden, wizard by nature, private investigator by trade. A couple years ago I did some things to get a couple of other wizards annoyed with me. Those other wizards form this little group called the White Council, and they kind of run the supernatural side of the world.

When word got out that there was a wizard teenager chilling in Japan with a maniacal dad and a handful of mechanical super-killers, they thought it would be a good idea to send out someone to help. Someone who knew the streets of the world, someone with a lot of strength, someone who could teach him something.

Someone no one would mind seeing dead.

Huh. Guess who that would be.

So off I went with a cute girl who had briefly served as a cop and shot a couple nice sized holes in what were now little corpses decomposing in what had been Chicago until a couple years ago when the whole place sank.

In order to make things nice and inconspicuous the Council had decided to give us Japanese names and see if they could make us look a little more like the other folk in town. It worked…in a manner of speaking.

Karrin Murphy, the ex-cop, went ahead of me…three years or so ahead…and managed to get a job as "Misato Katsuragi" working for a secret paramilitary force under the kid's dad. Now it was my turn to go, disguised as "Ryoji Kaji" and working for the White Council in Japan.

And now there I was, stuck in a room with this guy I didn't yet know, though I wasn't exactly eager to learn about him at that point in time.

"Who are you?" I asked.

"The One."

There was a little silence. I was being kidnapped by a loony.

"Yeah…alright."

"All-_might_. Almighty, actually."

I looked at him. The man pushed his glasses up to the bridge of his nose.

"Is there a problem, Mister Dresden?"

"Excuse me?"

"Mister Dresden, don't play games with me. I know who you are and why you are here. I am aware that your partner, Karrin Murphy, arrived three years ago and is now in the employ of Mister Ikari and I know that her supposed penguin is in fact a spirit of intelligence whom you have so cleverly named Bob – and kudos to that. It's not every wizard who names his spirits."

Okay. So either he was a damned smart loony or I had to begin to consider the possibility that he was the man Himself.

I figured I'd try for the middle.

"Do you have anything to drink?"

The man smiled and stepped backwards into a corner where I could not see him. A moment later, an familiar, old, ovoid man returned in his place, carrying a dearly missed bottle of beer.

"Mac?" I asked incredulously, "Is that you?"

Mac grunted and then smiled an old, toothless smile. He handed me the beer and then spoke in the same, flat voice I'd heard before.

"I've had my eye on you for sometime now, Mister Dresden."

I stared at him in disbelief. Slowly, I noticed his face begin to change shape until it returned to the sharp featured man I'd seen before.

"A changeling?" I asked.

"You doubt me. Surely your friend Michael would not have done so."

He had struck a nerve.

"Don't talk about him."

He smiled at me.

"Perhaps I can convince you like this," he said and he held out his name.

"Dante," he chanted, "Revelation, My son! Believe in Me!"

Suddenly a great wind began to blow through the room. I looked widly around and held up my staff.

"It is no good in my presence!" the man, or, perhaps, the Man laughed. Then he stared straight at my old crippled hand and said in a low whisper,

"Lasciel."

There was a brief pause.

I looked at him strangely.

"So. Who the hell are you?"

The man frowned and stared at my hand.

"It didn't work, man," I said, "Hey – I got it. You're a _faerie, _aren't you?"

He looked up at my face and our eyes met.

Whenever two people's eyes meet, there is, at least for wizards, a chance to see into the other person's soul. It's called a soulgaze, and it can haunt even the most hardened person for the rest of their life. Scares the crap out of me.

Our eyes met, and the soulgaze began. I found myself almost literally rippling out of existence. I mentally fell forward into his eyes and found myself in a clean, white room. There was nothing inside it but a red chair.

I looked around.

"What kind of person is this?" I thought aloud. I heard a voice laughing in the distance.

I spun around and looked at the chair, but there was a desk in front of it now, complete with three number two pencils, a copy of _Ishmael,_ and a twelve page long exam.

"Um…what is this?" I called.

"It is exactly as it appears to be," the room replied.

Well, that hurt.

"An English test?"

"Welcome to the world of heaven."

"Heaven is an English test? Are you sure you got this right? This isn't switched around with some other well-known afterlife residence?"

The walls chortled. Suddenly, the whole room went black. And I did what I do best.

I shut my eyes and screamed like a terrified little girl.

When I opened them I was next to the man again. Well, technically, we were where we had been the whole time – standing and sitting as we had before. Except now there was a beautiful woman standing between us.

"Lasciel!" I choked.

"My host," she said, "it is time for me to go."

"Yes, Lasciel," said the man gently, "it is time for you to go. But you will be called upon again, have no fear."

And with that the image vanished and my mind, which had been haunted by the vision of that woman, Lasciel, a Fallen angel, felt miraculously clear. I looked back at the man. He was holding out a sword, and with that I realized who He was.

"This is yours, Harry," He said. I looked at the long, familiar sword, and He spoke again, "Use it well."

"…You're real…" I gasped.

"Yes. I am. And I'm here to help, Mister Dresden. But perhaps revealing my identity to others would not be ideal. Only one other knows I am here."

"Then what should I call you?"  
He smiled and adjusted His glasses.

"You may call me St. Pierre."

And with that, He walked back into the shadows and was gone.

Great. Now I have to remember to use capital He's the Thee's and Thou's now. Dammit, Pops.


	5. Doctor English

**CHAPTER FIVE**

**Tokyo-3**

**The Arrival of the Fourth Angel**

**It was big, it was strangely colored, and it was easily the freakiest thing I've ever seen in my life.**

It gave me a look, and I didn't like it.

It grunted.

It smelled like crap.

They told me it was called "Cruts."

I instantly didn't like it.

And I was stuck with him. After leaving the train station, I drank as much as I possibly could and made my way to the apartment they had told me to go to. As soon as I walked in, I met Cruts, and he didn't really seem to notice I was there.

Cruts looked around the apartment, and then walked straight through a wall of lemon gelatin.

So my house in Chicago hadn't been the cleanest place in the world always, but this was the foulest thing I'd ever seen. People were living in here. Not like St. Pierre and his followers, but, you know, people who had come in unbeknownst to the others and taken up residence in the perm-a-crud.

The house shook. I looked over towards what had presumably been the second floor before the monsoon of St. Pierre had arrived. He and His (I'll never get used to that) assistants were here, as has been noted, to "assist" the development of the Evangelions.

St. Pierre, though, being God and all, probably had a different plan.

Cruts moved towards me.

I was starting to be afraid I was going to have to live here.

Something scurried by.

Night was falling outside, and the Cruts thing was looking at me. Something, the same thing, flew by quickly.

Cruts smiled his broad, inhuman smile. Suddenly, the door opened, and in walked Chris and Colin. I didn't know who they were yet, but they introduced themselves to me and quickly told me the story thus far. They also picked up Cruts and removed him from my presence, telling him never to approach me again.

"Sorry about him," Colin said, "he can be like that sometimes."

"And how frequent is 'sometimes'?"

"As long as he's awake."

I wiped some mushrooms off an old sofa and sat on it.

"Don't worry about me," I said, "I know how to defend myself."

Colin smiled warily. He adjusted his glasses in a manner similar to how St. Pierre had done so earlier. Then he turned away and walked down a cave-like hallway. I briefly saw a very distant, dull light shine, then darkness again.

Chris moved silently to the kitchen. Well, he tried to be silent, but the moment he opened the fridge, there was a series of small squeaks and the sound of scurrying feet.

"What's that?" I called out. But before he could reply, my question was answered as a couple hundred small, red toads with a dozen too many legs literally flew out of the kitchen, past my head, and out an open window, where they all turned into a giant sausage and floated lazily away.

"Sorry about that," Chris said, "You may have noticed some strange things about this apartment, and I guess I should explain them."

"Oh, you don't know what my house was like. I had a skull that talked."

He waved towards where Cruts was sleeping.

"Alright," I conceded, "you win."

"Damn right. So here's the deal – St. Pierre has some kind of power, I'm not entirely sure what it is. But he's sort of bestowed it upon us somehow and when we're all together in a small room for a long period of time it makes everything all funky."

"A sort of power?" I asked.

"Yeah."

"And you don't know what it is?"  
"Not at all."

So. What was this? God's not telling his loyal servants what the heck is up? I thought back to our meeting. _Only one person knows my true self._ Well, that's not exactly what he said, but it sounds so much cooler.

"Alright," I said, "so throwing me into it might be a problem."

"Oh, no, not at all." Chris said brightly.

"You…you are aware that I'm a, you know, _practitioner,_ right?"

"Of course! But, you know, St. Pierre and stuff just kind of, well…"

"Cancels me out?" I offered doubtfully.

"More like…ends you. Your magic, at least."

I stared at him, then picked up a stick that happened to be lying conveniently nearby. I focused all of my energy and held the stick to the wall.

"_Forzare!_" I shouted, and I released all of my energy.

And absolutely nothing happened.

Shinji Ikari woke up and stumbled out of his room. He went to the kitchen and started breakfast, then returned to his room and got dressed.

_School,_ he thought. _I wonder what it'll be like._

He finished tying his shoes and walked back into the little kitchen.

"Hmm…" he thought aloud, "something to drink would be nice."

But it was easier said than done.

"Okay," said Shinji, looking inside the refrigerator, "since I don't want any beer I guess I'll be thirsty. How can one person drink this much?" The fridge was filled with case upon case and stacks and stacks of cans of beer.

He closed the door in disgust and slumped back in his seat. Which was when he noticed the second refrigerator.

"Ah," he said wisely, "that must be where she keeps everything else."

He stood up and walked over to it, and, as he approached it, a penguin came out.

Shinji did what every good person would do and screamed.

"Misato!" he shouted, "Miss! Miss Misato! Quick!"

There was a loud thud. Shinji, not daring to take his eye of the flightless bird, called back, "Misato! Is that you?"

Misato groaned.

"That's just Pen-Pen," she slurred, "he's a perverted air spirit of…er…he's a warm water penguin."

Shinji just stared.

"Miss Misato," he said, backing slowly away from the penguin.

"Watch out," she replied, "I'm here on the floor."

Shinji spun around and saw Misato lying on the floor next to the door to her bedroom.

"I think I'll go to school now."

Misato groaned.

Shinji ran out the door and down the stairs of the apartment complex, bursting out the door and into the warm sun. He walked the few blocks to his school and precariously walked inside.

He made his way to his classroom quietly, hoping not to attract any attention. But he could hear whispers.

"We've got a new teacher you know."

"I know – so strange, isn't it? I wonder what happened to the old one."

"Did you hear about the attack last night?"

"Yeah – did you see any of it?"

"Of course not, stupid! There aren't any windows in those damned shelters, you know that."

A loud voice echoed.

"Alright, you insolent idiots, let's get to class before I smack you all."

Thud, step. Thud, step. Thud, step.

The class filed in and sat down. Shinji found himself in the back next to what he figured had to be the nerdiest kid in the school.

Thud, step. Thud, step. Thud, step.

In walked their new teacher. His left leg was slightly thinner than his right, and he walked with a cane. His face had sharp features, and his voice was more sour than a lemon.

"My name, for those who actually care, is Gregory House. I am a doctor, and therefore incredibly smarter than all of you. When I feel like it, I may teach you."

"Sir?"

It was the nerdy kid next to Shinji. House looked over at him.

"Yes?"

"Where are you from?"

House stared at him. "I come from a happy place where everything is beautiful and perfect."

"Really?" asked the nerdy kid.

"No, you idiot. If you knew anything about America you'd know there was nothing beautiful nor perfect about New Jersey. Name, kid?"

"Aida, sir. Kensuke Aida."

"And are you done?"

"Yes, sir."

"Good. That's the first correct answer of the year." He pulled out medicine bottle and threw a pill into the air. It landed in his mouth.

"Sir,"

He rounded on Kensuke.

"Now what?" he asked.

"What are those?"

"Not yours."

I woke up.

I wasn't aware of going to sleep, but here I was, waking up. Life can do that to you sometimes.

I made my way towards the kitchen and opened the refrigerator. Almost instantly the light inside went out and it shut off. Magic has that effect on things. That's why my old house only had an icebox.

If St. Pierre was really God, though, it seems like he'd have a crapload of magic. Of course, man had made it to the moon, so I figure if He was God, He could probably keep a damn light on.

I pulled out a Coke and drank it. Even in these post-impact days, it's good to know there are still Cokes. I would have killed myself if there was no Coke left.

My first item of business was to find Murphy. She had kind of volunteered to live with our newest find – a kid wizard by the name of Ikari. Shinji Ikari. I figured I'd try and find her apartment.

I walked to the front door and opened it. There stood St. Pierre.

"Whoa!" I said, "Oh, it's You."

"Yes. It is."

"How long have You been standing out there?"

"I suppose," said St. Pierre, "that's a matter of opinion. I am omnipresent, you know, so I've really been standing here a very, very long time. But in this physical shape, you mean?"

"Er…yeah."

"I was just about to knock."

"Oh." That was kind of a letdown.

"Dresden," He said, adjusting His glasses, "I need you to do something for me."

"Shoot."

"Eventually," He said, "but first, please track down Miss Katsuragi. Commander Ikari informed me that she is late for duty."

"Okay…"

"Also, there is a new teacher at Shinji's school. I believe he may have been sent there by the Commander to supervise the three children."

Now I was confused.

"Three children? I thought there were only two." I thought back to my conversation with Chris and Colin yesterday. Shinji Ikari, Rei Ayanami…had there been another?

"The third has not yet arrived, Dresden. I will be dispatching you to assist in her arrival. Do not make it known to anyone that you are here yet, and ensure that Miss Katsuragi hides her knowledge until your arrival on the boat."

He turned to go. "Wait," I said. He stopped and looked at me. "Murphy doesn't know I'm here yet?"

He smiled. "_Miss Katsuragi_ is not aware, no."

He handed me a small card. On it was my picture and my assumed Japanese name. Then, from His coat He drew a small book. I look at it and read the title: "Welcome to NERV."

"What is this? The employee handbook? What kind of secret organization is this? When do we see the introductory movie," I said, looking up.

But He wasn't there anymore.

"Alright, so tell me what's wrong with the sentence."

Shinji eyed it. His English wasn't too good, though, and he didn't really have a clue what it said. The whole class was silent for a few minutes.

"The conjugation of the second verb is wrong," said a guy in the front row with a thick Australian accent.

"Ah! What makes you say that?"

"Well, I'm not really sure. I just took a guess."

"Good. I mean, that's completely and totally wrong, but at least you gave a damn enough to try."

There was another silence.

"Does no one see the problem?"

"No, sir." Kensuke said.

House closed his eyes and turned to the board, circling the subject. _Of course,_ thought Shinji, _"I" can't be the subject in third person. Even I know that._

"'I' can't be the subject in third person except in dialogue. You need to use a pronoun _besides I,_ a proper noun, or a common noun of some kind."

The bell rang loudly as House popped a few pills.

"Class dismissed."

Everyone got up and grabbed their stuff. Over the scuffle, House called, "Ikari! My desk please!"

Shinji gathered his stuff quickly and walked to the desk. The whispers followed him.

"That's him! He's the one who saved us!"

"He piloted that monstrous machine!"

"He's so young! I don't believe it!"

Shinji reached House's desk as the last person left.

"Yes, Doctor House?" he said cautiously.

House was looking down at some papers. Without looking up, he said, "You are to report to NERV immediately after school."

"Is that all, sir?"

"Yeah. And take the back stairs."

"Why?"

"You know that tough-looking ass who sits next to Aida?"

"Yeah.

"You beat down his little sister last night and I don't think he's too happy about it."

"But – I barely did anything!"

"Does it surprise you that there are people dumb enough to get hit by a stationary object the size of a skyscraper?"

Shinji thought for a minute.

"Not really, sir, no."


	6. Silent Voices

CHAPTER SIX 

**Tokyo-3**

**The next day**

**Shinji had narrowly avoided the beat down himself.** Kensuke had, in fact, been waiting for him, but Dr. House's advice had kept him safe. Misato wasn't at home, nor did she return all night, but Pen-Pen kept Shinji company.

He fell asleep early, but late at night, or, perhaps, early in the morning, he woke up when he heard his door open. He squinted so it looked like his eyes were closed when, in fact, he could just barely see through them. And the cursed penguin was coming into his room. Probably, Shinji thought, to murder him in his sleep.

"Psst…" the penguin whispered. "Shinji? Are you awake?"

Shinji kept perfectly still.

"Yeah. Okay. Like a penguin talking to you wouldn't wake you up."

Shinji watched as the door opened wider. A dark figure stood there. He opened his eyes and a light came on.

"Ikari!"

There stood House, wielding an axe.

"Time for a little medicine!"

I walked down through the rainy streets. Murphy – er, _Misato_ was at NERV. Bob – a rather perverted air spirit of intellect – was guarding Shinji. And in a few hours, St. Pierre, the Lord Himself, was going to send me to collect a third child for this secret paramilitary bullcrap agency.

So I wasn't exactly ready for the challenge. But I was willing to accept it now that it was here. If only the damned White Council would tell me where the hell it was hiding. I needed some answers, and I needed them fast. The most important one was the Angel.

St. Pierre had rid me of Lasciel, a Fallen angel trapped in my mind.

He had rid the world of another angel a few hours before. Except this one was huge, funky colored, and about to fight against a giant mechanical monster.

And I had a feeling there were more to come.

A lot more.

I heard footsteps behind me, slow moving and clunky. I walked a little faster and looked for somewhere to escape to.

"Hey!" called a voice from behind me, "People used to have a lot more respect for cripples, you know."

I turned around and walked backwards at the same pace. I could see in the distance a man with a cane limping towards me. I held out my handy dandy staff.

"Who are you?"

"A friend."

"Do you have a name?"

"Do you have the decency to slow down?"

I stopped.

"Thank God, man."

He hobbled towards me.

"I should mention," he said, "that courtesy dictates I should say my name first, being the approacher and all."

"Yes," I said.

"However," he continued, "I'd just as soon courtesy shoved a stick up his ass then tell you who I am without hearing your name first."

I paused.

"My name or my Name?"

He glared at me.

"Is there a difference?"

So he wasn't any kind of magic-user. See, a Name is something that can be used to call a person, and to make them do pretty much whatever you want them, too. When used just right – and it's hard – that is. It involves pronouncing it with all the subtle qualities of the Name's owner.

"Dresden." I said to him. "Harry Dresden. You?"

By that time he'd reached me. "Gregory House," he said, "I'm a teacher at the …" he paused for a moment, thinking, and finally said, "school up that way."

_Ah, _I thought to myself, _Ikari's school._

"So what can I do for you, Mister – "

"Doctor."

"Right. Er…Doctor House?"

He sighed. "I haven't a clue. I was told by my boss to come see you."

I cocked my head. "Someone at the school sent you to me?"

"No," he said, waving his hands, "my other job."

Fishy.

"What's your other job?"

"I'm an exotic dancer."

"Oh, really?" I said, "What's that like?"

"It's a blast."

"I'll bet."

It was silent for a minute.

"I'm a doctor you idiot," he said.

"Oh, right."

I looked at him. We were both drenched with rain.

"Tell you what. Let's find a bar and talk this through."

"Sounds good to me."

We walked a little ways before coming across a bar. It wasn't like my good old bar back home used to be, but it was good enough. We sat in the back.

"So, Doctor," I said.

"Yes, Dresden?"

"What the hell is this about?"

He rolled his eyes. "I told you I haven't got a clue. What do you keep going on about?"

A musician took his place on the bar's little stage.

"Well, it's a little strange, isn't it? I mean, I'm perfectly healthy as far as I know. Am I going to keel over and die or something?"

The musician pulled out a small guitar.

"I don't think so. I don't work at that kind of place anyway," he said.

"Then what kind of place do you work at?"

"I can't tell you."

Whereupon I got a wicked evil idea.

I reached into my pocket and felt around for a moment. Stick of gum, an onion, aha.

I pulled out my NERV badge.

"I think you can."

He looked at the badge suspiciously. The musician sang a bad song about his girl leaving him or something.

"Hmm…" House looked at me, and then, without warning, I saw him set a gun on the edge of the table, pointed up at my face.

"Whoa!" I said, "that's a little rash, isn't it?"

"Keep it down, Dresden," he said, "or whoever you are."

"What the hell do you mean?"

He laughed. "Dresden, you have to be the dumbest man on the Earth!" He grabbed the badge and held it up. "Are you _Mister Kaji, _Dresden?"

Oh, crap. I'd completely forgotten that I was supposed to be "Ryoji Kaji." Now I was in a lot of trouble.

Thank God I was saved. And by the last man I ever expected to see.

"Mister Kaji,"

I looked up. The waiter had arrived.

"Er…yes?"

"Good to see you again." The waiter turned to House. "My name is Morgan, and I'll be your waiter. Can I get you something to drink?"

"Wait. You know this guy?" House nodded at me.

"Of course," said Morgan, "we've met on occasion." I noticed he didn't mention that those occasions were usually attempts to find me guilty of breaking the Laws of Magic. Morgan was a warden and it was his job to make the guilty pay for their crimes. And since all of the Laws of Magic were punishable by death and not much else, his job got to be that much more fun. "A beverage, sir?"

"I'm all set," he said.

"I'll take a beer." I said.

"Very well."

The musician moved on to a song about his dog.

"So," House continued, "which is it? Dresden or Kaji?"

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. My mind had realized something. What if House worked for NERV? I was so incredibly doomed if he was. Unless I could be really clever. I figured I'd go for clever, and if that didn't work, I'd run like a little girl.

"I dunno, Dr. House. Where do you work?"

He smiled at me.

"NERV, Dresden. So watch your answers."

I knew it. Or he was bluffing, but something told me he wasn't. It would make sense that Commander Ikari would want his son guarded by a NERV thug at all times, and a NERV doctor thug would be absolutely perfect.

"Well," I said, focusing my energy to a ring on my right hand, "my real name is, in fact, _Corpus Silum._"

His eyes slid out of focus, and then returned to normal again.

Morgan returned with no drinks.

"Hello. My name is Morgan, and I'll be your waiter. Can I start you off with something to drink?"

"Sure," said House, "I'll take the house draft. Best beer in town?"

"Of course," droned Morgan, "and for you?"

"The same, please."

Morgan wandered away. House looked back at me.

"So, Mr. Kaji, I'm sorry. Refresh my memory, please? What were we talking about?"

Oh, man. I am a bloody genius.

Misato woke Shinji barely in time for him to get to school. He couldn't remember any of his dreams, though he thought he had dreamt something important.

He rushed to school and barely made it in time. House followed him in and closed the door.

Immediately, Shinji noticed two major differences. First of all, the empty seat near the window had an occupant – the girl from NERV. Rei something. And second of all, the big guy who sat with Kensuke was eyeing him with a look usually reserved for rapists, murderers, and insurance salesman.

"Good morning class," said House. "I had an extremely long evening and I don't feel like teaching anything. Read a book."

And then he left.


End file.
